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THE DIARY OF PETRICHOR

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I've been re-processing myself in the context of intimate, romantic relationships. My history to be exact. And my patterns in them. It isn't hopeful.

I and a person discover a magnetic attraction to each other. We have a burst of fireworks at the beginning, and then. . . I ruin it. Long story short. And, no, don't give me: oh, you two just weren't right for each other. It's not that. We may have very well not been right for each other, but the thing I have observed is something about myself, my thinking, my behavior which ruins things whether or not the person is "right" for me and vice versa.

I make the same sorts of mistakes again and again. And they are bound to ruin and damage any relationship with any one.

And the thing is, I can draw insights and be aware of them after the fact -- but when such insights and awareness are needed (in an existing relationship when it is existing), its like I can't apply them. It doesn't translate into my actual actions when they could actually do some good.

Maybe I am too hard on myself. Maybe this time, this time, I really have learned, and next time, next time, I really will avoid or minimize the amount or degree of those mistakes. But frankly, I just don't have any faith in myself that this is so.

I am tired of hurting people that I really care about, who I think are really good, who are beautiful people, tired of us having a deep sense of intimacy, and then for me to then hurt them, break their hearts, burn, sour, embitter, or scar them emotionally. They don't deserve it. They deserve better than that.

And I don't have faith that I can *act* with more wisdom and awareness than I have done before with others.

I wish with a painful heart that I could reach out to them again, make amends, for their sake alone if not for my sake as well. But I can't because inevitably the circumstances and events generally arrive to a point where re-connection isn't going to happen, even for just a phone call, or just a cup of coffee. The opportunities to do so just don't exist anymore.

And I don't even have strong faith in my so-called insights or awareness. No amount of them seem to have done me any good yet, after all. Or there is some internal disconnect which prevents theory being put into practice.

I don't know.

I am so wary of myself that there are a number of people who I've stopped coming closer to me who wanted to be closer to me. I care about them deeply, and I don't have faith in me to do better or good to them that they deserve. I have spent most of my adulthood alone as a consequence.

I've given up on myself when it comes to this.

And, sometimes, those people are hurt and unhappy when I avoid drawing any closer to them.

I don't want to be alone all my life.

But.

I don't have faith in myself to do good or better.

And the whole, well, you can only learn by trying and trying again and trying some more.

Well, I don't want people I care about to be my testing grounds. I'd rather just care about them from a distance, and expect that somebody who can do better than me will come along and do better for them than I.